ADULTS: Parenting When They've Grown

I've been writing articles for Family Shield Ministries and want to share them here. The first one I'm sharing is the most recent, October 2025.

 

A Portrait of Today's Young Adults

Many things affect the description of a generation. That information helps parents see things from their child’s perspective, not only their own. Through technology, the changes in society and the world have happened much more quickly for recent generations than they did for us. Thanks to smartphones, social media, and a constant connection with everything good or evil on the internet, they have been exposed to or experienced things we never would have at a much younger age. A portrait of today’s young adults includes the following:

• They may be technologically fluent, but are emotionally searching.
• Their world is a place of constant fear-mongering where news is manipulated, and their source of information is rarely true. The sky is ALWAYS falling.
• They carry the weight of every global crisis without the emotional maturity to understand it or the experience to put it in its place.
• They are hyper-connected, but often lonely, craving real connections because emojis and likes or notifications do not help create a feeling of belonging.
• They have trouble connecting with other humans without being able to hide behind a phone, and tend to end relationships without really connecting.
• They open themselves up to dangerous people and situations without even knowing it.
• They have been groomed to be justice-minded, but aren’t exposed to all sides of a situation and don’t know how to see a problem from multiple perspectives.
• They are SEARCHING FOR GOD, but the world keeps telling them that the ONE true God is not real, and believing in Him is stupid.

They Live Differently Than You Expected 

As parents, when we look at the world from our adult child’s perspective, we can’t help but be even more concerned about their well-being on a higher level. We parent the best way we know how, and then, it’s off to college, a job, and a life apart from their parents. You have no idea what choices they will make on their own, and they are delirious with their freedom, often not considering the consequences of those choices. Then it happens. Whether they’re in college or married and building their adult life with someone, you discover,

• They’re not going to church and said they don’t think they believe in God anymore.
• You see photos online that don’t show the values you thought you instilled in them.
• You’re not sure if “party” includes alcohol or drugs, but it sure looks like it.
• They don’t call as much as you wish they would.
• When they do call, they’re talking about social and political things you thought you covered in Don’t Fall For This 101.
• They may be wondering why you’re not making their student loan payments, their credit card payments, and their cell phone payments, like you used to.
• They’re in love with someone of a different faith, no faith at all, or looking for love in all the wrong places.
• They graduated from college, but don’t want to get a job. They’re fine living at home and are content with virtual relationships.
• They’re not parenting your grandkids the way you would.
• They’re not coming to you with their problems anymore.

That’s quite a list of sincere concerns. At some point, you probably lie awake at night, and your self-talk is demoralizing you and making everything worse. What is the answer to that self-talk? 

Responding With Grace and Wisdom

What did I do wrong? If there ever was a perfect parent, it was God. He did NOTHING wrong, and Adam and Eve still rebelled. They made their bed and we continue to lie in it. I’m not going to tell you that you did everything right, because you didn’t, but I will tell you that parents are not responsible for every choice their adult children make. If you did make choices that you can see affect your children negatively in their adult lives, talk to them about it. We are all sinful people living in a sinful world. That’s why we pray for our kids from conception to the day we die.

You’re lonely and miss them being around. Of course you do. They were your primary focus, and your lives were entangled for 20+ years. But they are not appendages. They are independent souls that God has given you to raise for His benefit, so you don’t get to keep them for your benefit. We raise them to have their own lives and their own relationship with God. He has a purpose for them independent of you, and it might not include you the way you wish it would. My mom used to say, “Kids join your life for a while, they do not become your life. When they’re ready, they go off to begin lives separate from you, and you continue yours.” The relationship isn’t gone, but it does change.

They don’t call me every day. They don’t need me. Congratulations! They’re living independent lives! If something goes wrong, you’ve either taught them to ask someone for help, or they will call you. They do still need you, just not as much as they did before or in the same way they did before. You’re the only parents they have. To become a friend rather than a parent is a huge demotion. Good or bad, there is no one more influential in someone’s life than their parent(s). They know where you are, and they have your phone number. Allow them the freedom to become the people God wants them to be, even if they have to go through some tough times to get there.

They’re not living the way I think they should. You lived your life the way you thought you should, and they need to live their lives the way they think they should. You took them to church, taught them the faith and values you thought were important, and God wrote His law in their hearts. Do you remember when you were their age? How much did you want your mom and dad to tell you how to live, or what to think, or believe? Adult children need to make their own choices and live with the consequences of them to gain wisdom, experience, and courage.

They’re making bad choices and not asking my advice. Yes, they are making bad choices, and they may be going to somebody else for help or advice. At some point, they need to be able to seek out the help they need, and it won’t be you. One reason is that your unsolicited advice sounds like criticism to them. Another reason is that there will also be some things that God knows they need to go through that you will want to rescue them from, and shouldn’t. They need you to love them through those times and to be there when they come to you.

They’re rejecting the faith. This is the toughest one. Nobody wants to be in heaven without their kids. The sad truth is that no matter how we raise them, we cannot have faith for them. We cannot give it or grow it, and we cannot talk them into it. We can listen, talk about it when they have questions, have faith, pray, and trust that the God who loves them even more than we do has not left them.

 

The Prodigal Son’s Father

We often look at the Prodigal Son (Luke 15) as a story about a child’s rebellion and wasteful lifestyle. We think that our kids can learn a lot from that young man’s experience. But what about the father? What can we, as parents, learn from the father?

There once was a man who had two sons whom he loved with all his heart. He raised them both in a lifestyle and with values that he believed would help them grow into wonderful, caring, God-fearing adults. Then, his youngest son wanted to leave. The father DID NOT beg his son to stay, expect his son to check in to appease his worry or loneliness, text his son every day, keep track of his son on social media to find out what he was doing, contact his son to find out what was going on so he could give him unwanted advice, or rescue his son from the consequences of his choices.

He DID give his son what he asked for – his inheritance and his freedom – and watched him take his belongings and walk away into the big, ugly world where bad things can happen. AND HE WAITED, AND PRAYED. Then, one day, the son returned, and it was obvious that nothing had gone the way he hoped it would. The father DID NOT ask his son what happened, but he DID run to his son with open arms, gave him a huge hug, and threw a party to celebrate his return.

The best parent your children have is God. Leave them in His loving and capable hands, and be there when they need you. Be okay with having a smaller role in their lives and build a new life for yourself that doesn’t orbit theirs. Don’t tie yourself to their happiness or feel bad because their happiness is not tied to you. Trust God with them as they become who HE wants them to be, and remember that the path they lead is not yours, but His.

Teaching the Faith Podcast Interviews

 I was asked if I could be interviewed by Family Shield Ministries to be on their podcast/radio show. Of course, I said, YES!!! Here is a link so that you can listen to the discussion between me and Pr. Mark Femmel. This was fun! 

Teaching the Faith to Preschoolers (Part 1 of 5) 

Teaching the Faith to Elementary Kids (Part 2 of 5) 

Teaching the Faith to Middle Schoolers (Part 3 of 5) 

Teaching the Faith to High Schoolers (Part 4 of 5) 

Teaching the Faith to Adults (Part 5 of 5) 

REFORMATION: Crocktoberfest & Martin Luther Games!

Ephesians 2:8-9
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.

A few years ago I was teaching the high school youth on Reformation Sunday and thought it might be interesting to see what they actually knew about it and about Martin Luther.  I was amazed at what they didn't know or how much they assumed incorrectly.  First, I read a carefully worded description of the state of society and the church and asked them if it sounded like today or in the 16th century.  Then, since Martin is quite funny sometimes and the language of the time can be a little difficult to understand, we had a little fun with some of his quotes.  I had them do a round robin, randomly pick one out of a bucket, and tell me what each one meant and/or what they thought of it.  As time got short they kept saying, "Do one more!"  While knowing the history and talking about things Martin Luther said are not necessary information, it sure doesn't hurt for people to be reminded of it once in a while in a fun way. 

Crocktoberfest

A Crocktoberfest is a potluck where people bring a crock pot meal to share in the tradition of the German festival of Oktoberfest, which would mean people should feel free to celebrate the German heritage gastronomically.  Traditional German food includes das wiener schnitzel (crumbled veal fillet), sauerbraten (beef) and red cabbage, bratwurst (sausages), schweinebraten (pork roast), käse-spätzle (pasta),  goulasch (hot dish), huhnerfrikassee (chicken frickasee), kartoffelknödeln (potato pumplings), apfelpfannkuchen (apple pancakes), apfelstrudel (apple strudel), or any kind of kuchen (cake).  Recipes are all over the internet.

The Martin Luther Games

I have a tendency to try to make things educational/informational and not just fun all the time so I would choose traditional German games for the kids and Reformation informational games for the adults.  I like things to be fun but am not a big fan of a "throw the indulgences in the trash relay" which is nothing different from any other relay the kids participate in at any other event but has a reformation sounding name.

Traditional German games for the kids:

• Topfschlagen (Hit the Pot) - a prize is hidden in a metal pot and a child is blindfolded and given a wooden spoon.  S/he then crawls around the floor trying to hit the pot to win the prize.
• Schokoladenessen (Chocolate Eating) - a chocolate bar, wrapped in many layers of newspaper and tied with a ribbon as if it's a present, is place in the middle of a table with a single die, scarf, hat, mittens, a fork, and a butter knife.  The kids roll the die and when a six is rolled that person puts on the clothes and tries to unwrap and eat the chocolate with the utensils.  While s/he is trying, the die continues to be rolled and if another child rolls a six they get to take over.  The game is over when all the chocolate is gone.
• Katz und Maus (Cat and Mouse) - is usually played outside or in a large room with larger groups.  The kids form a circle holding hands and the cat chases the mouse around, in, and out of the circle as the kids raise and lower their arms to let the mouse in and keep the cat out.
• Pin the 95 Theses - is just like pin the tail on the donkey except that kids are pinning the 95 theses on a door.  Sadly, not a German game but fun for the wee ones.

Reformation/information games for the adults:

• Scrambled Society - you can take the story of society and the church I used with the youth, break it into sections, give each group 2 paddles (paper plate with a stick handle - one says 1500's the other says today), read each section, and have them hold up the paddle of which description fits each time period. The trick is that the description is frighteningly similar to how we could describe society and the church today. Eeerily similar...
• Reformation Jeopardy - use this online Jeopardy template to create your own reformation game. It's not a powerpoint and is really easy to use. Play with it and see how it works. There may be other areas you'll want to use it too. There are tons of places online to get reformation questions or a pastor would be far better at creating them than I would so I won't even try here.
• Here I Stand! - Is he a heretic or not? Most people think Luther's big problem with the church was the sale of indulgences but we should know it was bigger than that. The goal of this activity is to have people learn a bit more about Luther, things he wrote or said against the church, and then decide if he was a heretic. If there are a lot of people, break them into groups. If you started by playing Scrambled Society, you're ready to go, if not, briefly share that information. Have a packet of evidence that includes a brief history of the Catholic church in the 1500's and what they believed at the time. Give people a few minutes to go through it. When they're ready, the "host" (probably the pastor) reads a quote from Luther or something he's written, including the 95 theses and the group must decide if his comment is heretical, Biblical, or neither. (Make sure a few quotes cover each.)
• Movies - there a lot of good movies about Luther out now. Check them out!

YOUTH: Dear New College Student

 Dear College Student, 

When you get to college, you’ll discover that it's nothing like it’s portrayed on TV or in the movies. Remind yourself that those who write TV shows and movies always exaggerate. Always. And they usually portray what they think you want to see, not what is real. College can be a great experience! You can get a good education, make some life-long friends, get some great independent experience, learn the value of money, and have a lot of fun. No matter where you go or what you study, you will also face some challenges and make some bad choices. You may also end up facing or realizing some things about yourself and life that you didn’t expect. 

Challenges? "What do you mean? I'm finally free to make my own choices!" Yes, you are, but yes, challenges. When you’re away from home and most or all of your close friends, who can you reach out to when something has gone wrong? What if you feel alone, lonely, scared, or frustrated because things aren't going the way you thought they would? What if college is harder than you thought it would be? At the top of your list should always be your Heavenly Father, who is always waiting to hear from you.  

College and adult life will probably be more challenging than you thought before you got there. Here are my life tips:

1.          Everyone is amazing, and everyone isn’t. Throughout your senior year, people may have been telling you that you’re super amazing and are going to change the world. When you get to college, you may not feel as amazing as everyone said you would be, and it may give you anxiety. Relax. There’s only one person who truly changed the world, and that was Jesus. You're just a regular human like the rest of us. Even if you're not Him, He is and will always be there for you to turn to when you need Him, which should be every day.

2.          Life is longer than you think. You don’t have to do everything by the time you’re 30, and you have plenty of time to change your mind. Sex is not a recreational activity, and alcohol/drugs shouldn’t be. It only messes you up. You don’t have to have sex with everyone just because you have an urge, and you certainly don’t need to mess with your brain. It’s not even fully developed yet. Protect it. Look for the path that God shows you. Talk to Him. God’s Top Ten (10 Commandments) aren’t just laws; they were given to protect us from making stupid choices. Ask for guidance and step out in faith.  

3.          You may feel that people are judging you and expecting things you’re not sure you can do. Nobody is really judging you, but you. Your professors judge the quality of your work, not you. Other students in your classes are busy focusing on themselves. You’d be surprised how often people aren’t thinking about you. They’ve got their own problems, and if they’re mean, it’s not because of you, it’s because of them. It’s all in your head. Let it go. Ask Jesus to help you stop focusing on yourself so much.

4.          Nobody has a perfect life. Again, and a little slower so you can hear this, nobody has a perfect life. The most dangerous thing you can do is to compare your life, or your life choices, to the lives of others, or listen to them if they talk down to you because you’re not doing what they’re doing. Plenty of foolish people have partied and failed their way out of college, wasting time and a lot of money. God created us with different gifts and skills to be used for His glory. It’s about you living the life God wants you to live, not comparing your life to others. Comparison messes with your head. Don’t go there.

5.          Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is new, today you live. Don’t worry about yesterday, unless you have to fix something you did wrong. Deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. Do your best to make wise choices today. Even if things don’t go the way you hope they will, and sometimes they won’t, you will wake up again tomorrow and face the day’s challenges one step at a time. If you take a misstep or something pushes you onto a new path, look for the adventure. Just make the turn and keep going. Life is a journey, and God is with you. Trust Him and enjoy it!

6.          More people than you think love you. God put them in your life for a reason. Your parents think you’re amazing because they’re your parents. They’re not expecting that you will handle every problem on your own perfectly. Somehow, during my last year of college, my bank account was overdrawn due to a late deposit, and fees started piling up, and I freaked out. The banker was not helping, so I called my dad. If you don’t have a dad, call your mom; if you don’t have a mom, call your grandparents, call an Aunt or Uncle. Call me! More people love you and will help you than you think. Let them. If you become overwhelmed, pray and then choose the right person to call. Choose the one who will give you love over the phone and tell you to relax, and give you sound advice. Pray. Believe me, it’s not the end of the world. No matter what you do, the world keeps going. God always loves you, and He gave you people to help you.

7.          Most importantly, only God knows the big picture of your life. In the big picture, you may have multiple jobs or multiple careers. What you study in college is not what you have to do for the next 50 years. Our lives are puzzles, and God is putting it together. Being in college is not a life-or-death situation. Ask Him what the two of you are going to do with each day. He’s got the big stuff… always has… always will. You’ve got the little stuff. Go to class. Do your homework. Make wise choices.

Never, ever forget that you are not alone in this world. One of the reasons God gave us His word is to remind us that He is here… always… to the end of the age (Matthew 28:20). He also left His Spirit here to help us (John 14:16). When you need encouragement, use your resources. 

LENT: What are you giving up for Lent?

What are you giving up for Lent? We may hear this question often just before Ash Wednesday. Many church denominations encourage giving something up for Lent. The The Lutheran Church--Missouri Synod puts it this way:  

"Lent is just around the corner. Are you planning on giving up something for Lent, as some denominations require? From the perspective of the LCMS, "giving something up for Lent" is entirely a matter of Christian freedom. It would be wrong, from our perspective, for the church to make some sort of "law" requiring its members to "give something up for Lent," since the Scriptures themselves do not require this. If, on the other hand, a Christian wants to give something up for Lent as a way of remembering and personalizing the great sacrifice that Christ made on the cross for our sins, then that Christian is certainly free to do so--as long as he or she does not "judge" or "look down on" other Christians who do not choose to do this."

I've been reading more and more about people suggesting there's no way that giving up chocolate or beer can ever compare to the sacrifice of Christ and suggesting that the time might be better spent starting a new devotion and prayer habit. Perhaps people can get together and read the same devotional for the 40 days of Lent.  Have them commit to setting aside time everyday for the 40 days to read and get together each week on a video chat or group phone chat to talk and pray.  The group can either keep a list of people or things they want to pray as they read, or they can take the time to write their own prayer to speak to God from their heart everyday. At the end of the 40 days check in with each other and see how this has or hasn't affected your lives or if their outlooks have changed in some way. This may be the beginning of a beautiful friendship with prayer time!

You may also find Lenten devotions online for free or written by somebody in your larger church body, or sometimes there are people out there who are gifted at really making you think more deeply about your faith.  I can recommend Show Me the Way by Henri Nouwen.  Another one that has shorter entries but plenty to contemplate is Followers of the Cross by Martin Marty.  Or maybe you have one to suggest to me?  I would love it if you would share it!

If giving something up truly brings you closer to God then by all means, do that. But if not, try something that will!

CONFIRMATION: Technology in the Classroom

Technology is a tool, not a teacher!

I first posted this information in 2012. Since then technology and its use has skyrocketed. While kids are very used to using technology in the classroom, we can see that according to brain research, our brains still learn the way they did when God created the world. 

  

Educational research continues to indicate that while technological resources have the opportunity to enhance a lesson, there are still some things that provide greater learning, such as discussion, which requires both thought and interaction with the information. Nobody can think about anything for which they have no information and some things need practice. Students become better readers when they read, and math facts have to be memorized and used repeatedly. That being said, there are some great web resources out there that can enhance your confirmation class. 

First, we all know about Bible apps that are nice on your phone, but I still recommend that confirmation students use a real printed Bible and are provided learning activities that make them use it. 

Quizlet

I use Quizlet often to help confirmation students learn terms, and let's be honest, there are a lot of terms in the Small Catechism that kids are not used to. I also use it for a review when we have a snow day or, if for any other reason, we have to cancel class. It's primarily flash cards, but flash cards are useful tools and there are also games that can help with review. If you search for my name you can see what I've got up for my students. Try Quizlet.

Jeopardy Labs

Jeopardy Labs is a game template that allows you to create a customized Jeopardy game without needing to create your own slides. The games you make can be played online from anywhere in the world and if you use their simple editor, are easy to create.  These types of games are great for review or to find out what the students already know about specific topics. Categories might be:  church history, Martin Luther or the reformation, Lutheran doctrine, Bible 101, Hodge Podge (anything), or Small Catechism. Try JeopardyLabs.

Teachers Pay Teachers

There are a number of games on Teachers Pay Teachers, but they are not free. Most of them seem to be for Catholic students. I've not checked them out, but they do use technology. Try Teachers Pay Teachers.

Web Quest

A web quest is an inquiry-based lesson format in which most or all the information that learners work with comes from the web. Put simply, a web quest is a list of hyperlinks students visit to retrieve information. The best way to create a web quest is as an activity that is assigned to be completed at home to prepare them for discussion the following week and should probably take no more than 15-20 minutes. You might find it easier to put a bunch of information on slides for them, but it's certainly not as interesting than having them seek out the information. It would be best used in the areas of historical inquiry, researching and understanding what other religions believe to compare and contrast to Lutheranism, etc. Students may use the web quest to gather information but the goal is to have them use it! The WebQuest website is currently being updated, but the message says it should be up in March 2025. When available try WebQuest.

For more information about teaching confirmation, look at my books: 

The Art of Teaching Confirmation and The Art of Teaching Confirmation Resources. 

RALLY SUNDAY: A New Plan for Memorization

Deuteronomy 11:18-21
Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates, so that your days and the days of your children may be many in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors, as many as the days that the heavens are above the earth.

God's Word is POWERFUL. 

Rally Sunday is the perfect time to start a memory program for the whole congregation and change the culture of your Bible studies.

Bible Sound Bites - It's the Real Thing

Most kids go through confirmation memorizing Bible verses and then promptly forgetting them because they only learn them long enough to recite them.  I often encourage teachers of confirmation to make memorization a family event or task to give it more meaning.  I've even thought about having the whole congregation learn along with the confirmands or putting Bible memorization back into our culture by having a theme verse for the year or a church season.

The Bible Out of Context - No More Topics!!

Cultural Christians have gotten very good at taking verses out of context to suit our topical needs.  We want to know what God says about drug use or pre-marital sex or parenting or we don't want people to feel sad so we take verses out of context to use as we see fit.  There is a local pastor here who uses Jeremiah 29:11 to tell people that God wants them to be rich.  Convenient and something every cultural Christian wants to hear but absolutely and completely out of context.  In an attempt to appeal to people we've begun to study topics instead of books but the one and only Almighty God is NOT our psychologist.  He offers us ETERNAL LIFE, not an hour of psychoanalysis.

If people study the Old Testament and they see and understand the true nature of God, they will not need psychoanalysis.  If they read the life of Jesus as told by four different men in the New Testament, they will hear His words and their hearts will be changed.  If you want to know what the Bible says about parenting then look at how God treats His children... with love and discipline.  It's an overall picture.  You don't need somebody to find verses to fit into the 5 easy steps to Biblical parenting. 

You want a good topic about you, your life, and how you should live to be happy?  Try the book of James... the whole book!